Ask Paw Paw - First of a million dribbles

Get to Know Your New Advice Columnist

Demetrious S. Rogers will answer your questions in his column “Ask Paw Paw” beginning with next month’s issue.

My name is John Rogers and I am an Emergency Room Physician. Often I receive questions from people seeking answers to problems and issues they have as Emergency Care Professionals. My Great Great Grandfather has consistently been a source of wisdom and knowledge. I share with him these letters and he always seems to have the right answer. It will be his pleasure and mine to provide you his insight and advice. Please send your questions for Paw Paw to me at my email address: jrogers@usaem.org

Demetrious Snuffleuppleoppagogalous was the 11th child born to a simple goat herder and cheese farmer in the mountains of Greece. When he was a teen, there was a big war between the Turks and Greeks over who invented Feta Cheese. Paw Paw’s sweetheart told him that he should be careful because it was well known that all the Turks had bigger swords than he did. Unable to recover from this insult to his manhood he decided to move to California so he could star in Babe Watch and see Pam Anderson’s Hooters up close.

He signed on with Lt. Columbo and his merry men who were off to find the New World, because apparently it had been lost, and Lt. Columbo always loved a good mystery. Columbo’s three ships the Santa Claus, El Nino and the Pinto set sail from Aristotle Onassis’s shipyard. They decided to go to Plymouth because they heard that those Pilgrim chicks really knew how to party. Paw Paw was quite distressed when the local natives dropped in unexpectedly for dinner demanding roast turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, sweet potato soufflé and a couple of kegs of beer before their big game of ‘Moccasin Ball’ with a rolled up Pigskin. Not only that, he was disappointed to learn that in Plymouth all they had was a Rock but no Roll.

Rumor had it that some dude in the West was looking for help, so he joined Col. Custer as a Scout. Somewhere in the Dakota Territory he came upon the SueEm Indians and over heard them talking. One Indian named Tiny Timmy Leary was passing around some funny weeds and smoking them in his cracked pipe. Paw Paw actually liked the Indians. His companion Dick Clark asked him what he thought of their War Song and Paw Paw told him it had a good beat and he could dance to it.

After Tiny Timmy got Chief Squatting Bear totally lit, the Big Chief gave instructions to let some Crazy Horse turn the Colonel into a pin cushion. Naturally Paw Paw tried to warn Ol’ George but the Col. was too busy trying to decide if Brad Pitt was handsome enough to portray him in his upcoming biographical movie. Paw Paw told George he needed to run down to the store for a pack of cigarettes and never went back.

He made his way to Wisconsin where he spent all his money on Schnapps and sauerkraut. There he met the girl of his dreams, married, settled down to a nice cozy life and waited for Ed McMahon to deliver his $10 Million sweepstakes award. One day while sitting in the local Roy Rogers Restaurant chomping down on his Trigger Burger with Horseradish, he turned to Maw Maw and said “Nelly Belle, why don’t we change our last name and become more American? And I can’t think of a more American last name than Rogers.” Maw Maw chugged her Sasparilla Margarita and said, “Dude, That’s Hot!”

Paw Paw was udderly flabbergasted when he discovered that these Wisconsin Moo-Men did not have adequate health care. He realized he could make a fortune selling them health insurance at exorbitant prices and then telling them to take two aspirin, call him in the morning and that if it was an emergency to either call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. His career as a Farmerologist was long and prosperous. His paper, ’Cheeseball Aerobics’ was the sensation of the age. I guess it was hard for him to get the cheese out of his genes. His lawsuit against Jane Fonda and Denise Austin for violating his intellectual property rights has yet to be settled.

However he did cause quite a stink when he tried to sell his Limburger and Roquefort Poultices as a cure-all for impotence, acne and baldness. A gaggle of Product Liability Lawyers were out to lynch him because it was found that his Poultices actually caused impotence, acne and baldness.
He and Maw Maw escaped to Iowa to avoid prosecution, and helped my parents raise me.

After Maw Maw died he came to live with me in Georgia. Recently it has become difficult for me to care for him myself, and I reluctantly placed him in the ‘Georgia Home for Geezers Who Just Won’t Die’. I see him when I deliver his monthly shipment of 6 gallons of Jack Daniels, a case of Marlboros and his bottle of 300 Viagra pills. Paw Paw tells me he looks forward to your questions and that I need to pull his finger.